I must confess that I am a filthy, no good, low down, unfaithful…blogger. Sorry it’s been about 100 years since my last post…if anybody even looks at this thing anymore. My bad, guys.
However, I must say that my heart is full as I write this. Full of joy. Full of excitement. Full of wonder and amazement. Full of trust. He has made me full.
So let me back up and give a little explanation. See what had happened was….
I moved to Mumbai in the middle of December. Shortly thereafter I started having some stomach troubles, but it’s India, right? We all expect that here. It wasn’t serious, and I was still functional. So I ignored it and hoped it would go away. (I know, this is kind of dumb of me, but alas, it was my attitude.) So about the middle of January, I am so nauseated for about 3 days that I can hardly make myself drink water or move. It was misery. So I took some meds, and things improved some. However, things were still not good. Then things got worse than they were before, so I took more meds because I knew I had not taken the full round of antibiotics the first time, I took another round hoping this round would knock it out once and for all. Things seemed to be improving significantly, I daresay normal, for a few days in the middle of February. Then I got SICK. I mean, really sick. I was in Goa, and it was not a good situation. So at the suggestion of several it seemed I might have an amoeba, so they suggested I start taking a particular antibiotic to hold me over until I could get back to Mumbai and good healthcare. Of course when I got home, I hit the ground running and didn’t go to the doctor. I seemed to be improving so I didn’t worry too much about it. I knew I wasn’t fully well. But I was functional and we were busy. Who has time to go to the doctor and be sick, anyway? Not this girl. …Or so I (pridefully) thought.
Well my birthday comes (on March 6) and I am doing okay. We celebrated all weekend. :) Then Monday night, things got bad again. By bad, I mean severe, and I knew I absolutely HAD to go to the doctor because my fever had gotten up to 101°, and I could barely move. Not a good situation. The doctor tells me on Tuesday (March 8) that I probably need to be hospitalized. He ran some tests and told me to come back on Thursday, and we’d go from there. I went home, got worse, came back on Thursday to find out I was much sicker than I had imagined and was hospitalized. Had a bunch of tests run, saw several doctors, and they concluded I had a particular infection and starting treating me for it. I begged to go home since the meds were by mouth, so they let me go on Saturday. Well over the weekend, I was not improving. Monday morning (March 14) I went back to the doctor and was hospitalized again. Added some more meds to the mix and waited. My symptoms were improving, but my energy and strength were declining. It just didn’t make sense. So on Thursday (Mar 17), they let me go home. I was still really weak, tired, and just not feeling right. So my teammates took care of me round the clock, and I rested. Through all of this I am praying, others are praying, and my initial GI symptoms are drastically improving. However the tests were showing some decline, which just doesn’t make any sense. So I took it easy and rested over the weekend.
I wanted nothing more than to return to work on Monday morning. So I tried easing myself into it and did a few things on Monday. Tuesday morning I woke up, and I felt horrible. My whole body was aching like I had just started a rigorous workout routine for the first time. [You know what I’m talking about.] So there was some particular work that I had missed out on for 2 weeks and was absolutely determined not to miss. So I prayed, full of faith, that He would give me just a few hours of health and energy to get through this one “appointment” (if you will), promising that immediately afterwards I would return home and go straight to bed. From the time I prayed that prayer to the time I got in the auto to leave this appointment, I felt like my normal self. I had energy and no overwhelming body aches for the first time in weeks!!! As soon as it was over, I must admit I did not go straight home. I went straight to a new coffee shop (that just opened up that I have been dying to go to!) with some friends. As soon as I sat down, it was like a blanket of fatigue had been draped over me and my whole body longed to lay down more than anything.
So I knew that God had heard and had been hearing my prayers and was choosing for a specific reason not to answer them the way I (and many others) had been asking Him to. But I felt encouraged that He was at least acknowledging me, and I got the distinct feeling He was begging me to ACKNOWLEDGE HIM in this! And I am talking about real acknowledgment that reaches deep to that part of my heart that only He sees and understands. Acknowledgment that BELIEVES He is who He says He is and that He can do what He says He can do. [Sidenote: In the midst of this, I started doing the Beth Moore study called “Believing God.” If you are familiar with this study, you know that this is NO WAY, NO HOW coincidence. The timing is simply impeccable. It’s an entire study devoted to, that’s right, you guess it…BELIEVING GOD. I was on week 2 at the time, which focuses on the fact that God is who He says He is. In the hospital I started week 3, which is about God being able to do what He says He can do, i.e. miracles.]
Tuesday afternoon I came home and rested. I went to sleep and ended up sleeping about 12 hours. I had committed to staying home and resting on Wednesday, so Wednesday morning rolls around with me feeling like I have been hit by a baseball bat all over. I was nauseated and exhausted most of the day. Last Wednesday night our team got together to celebrate someone’s birthday and to have prayer. We prayed for many of our team’s needs right now. We also prayed specifically that at my follow-up doctor’s appointment the next day that the doctor would be amazed at how my God—THE God—had healed me. By the time we got home from this prayer time, I felt drastically better. My energy had been restored! So I went to the doctor last Thursday and some of my results were worse, while some were better. I told my doctor that I believe Jesus had healed me. He just said, “Lauren, when you left last week I was very concerned and wasn’t sure we were on the right path. But against all odds you are doing much better.” My God is all-powerful, and He does miracles!
And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. –James 5:15-18
When I first came to India my prayers were…
• Give me rock solid faith.
• Show me complete and utter amazingness that only You can do.
• Search my heart and show me what I haven’t surrendered to You.
• Give me a right view of who You are and who I am.
• Open up Your Word to me and let me see who You really are (as opposed to the image I had created in my head).
• Help my unbelief! Give me the ability to BELIEVE what Your Word says. Period. [One of the main things I have struggled to believe all my life is that He loves me NO MATTER what I DO. His love…and faithfulness and trustworthiness…is not dependent at all on my actions.]
What He has shown me and given me through this ordeal is…
• An unshakeable BELIEF down to my core that He is trustworthy. I really can put all my faith in Him.
• Even if I am lying in a hospital bed not DOING anything “for Him,” He loves me just the same. In fact, I felt more loved just resting in Him in those moments than I ever have while out doing things for Him.
• Even if I choose not to trust Him, He is still trustworthy. Even if I choose not to have faith, He is still faithful. Even if I can’t muster up the courage to believe He will come through, He is still faithful, trustworthy, and GOOD. No doubt. God and His attributes are not at all dependent on me. [PRAISE HIM for that!!! I’d be in quite a mess otherwise.] “Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases.” –Psalm 115:3
• That I really believe at many times that though He is able, He is unwilling to answer my prayers. I was holding onto a lot of control (of things that, in reality, I have no control over) and doubt that He would ever really come through for me.
• He never gives me what I deserve. He gives me so much more!!!!
• Healing! He has shown me directly and personally that He is able AND willing to do things on my behalf. [This is definitely not mentioning the countless other things He has one in the lives of others here that I have seen firsthand.]
• Utter peace. Oh the peace that only He can offer in the midst of a storm. Peace that He is there. Peace that He is enough. Peace that He hears me, though He may remain silent.
• Many more things that I am still processing. But these are some high points.
Praise God! He is so good, and I hope that those of you who have been faithfully praying on my behalf are encouraged as you read this that He has answered your prayers! If there is something you are going through and you’re asking God to work in your life, I hope this encourages you to persevere in prayer. A good friend mentioned something she has read recently that said something to the effect of “save your best striving for rest in Me [God].” He has definitely shown me that sometimes choosing to rest in Him is harder than any back-breaking work, because it takes consistently thinking and believing that He will come through without any work or help on my behalf. [I am so thankful for what this has shown me. I do pray that I don’t have to learn this lesson this way again, though. :)]
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. –James 1:2-7
